There comes a time when a person abandons (or simply decides to press pause, I hope) a project because it becomes a source of “work” or dread. It’s not because they’re not grateful and it’s not because they don’t like the way the quality the project holds. The reason this happens is because they feel like they’re either not progressing, even if they are, or they feel like things aren’t happening fast enough.
I had a goal in mind. I wanted to share my passion. I wanted to teach. I didn’t want to write “how-to’s”, but I wanted to share my knowledge through opinion and discussion.
Somewhere in the midst of writing and somewhere in the midst of producing the podcast, I began to make things out bigger than they were supposed to be. I began to see writing blog posts not as a joy or a form of expression, but as something that people depended on and something that I had to get absolutely perfect every single time or it was worth nothing. This lead to me dreading doing the work. This led to me seeing writing a blog post or editing a podcast episode as “completing a task”.
I got so wrapped up in my own head thinking about how to make things just the right way or getting in just the right mood to do this when what I should have been worrying about is whether this is me. I should have been focused on projecting myself in a genuine way. I should have been focused on pure expression rather than upping the ante and introducing an external source of pressure. There are times when I sit down to do the thing I want to do and it never gets done because I find some way to waste time until it’s time for me to go to sleep, and then I forget all about it.
It’s not that I don’t want to produce the podcast, and it’s not that I don’t want to write a blog post. It’s not that I don’t want to please the small but appreciated audience that I’ve garnered. It’s just that I’m so terribly afraid to fail or produce something that someone doesn’t like that I’ve crippled my sense of being in terms of open expression. I’ve manufactured pressure from a reality that only existed within my brain. I don’t want to beat myself up about this so I’m going to make a promise to myself and to those who want to see me succeed or who appreciate what I’ve produced so far.
I promise to be true to myself, I promise to put my genuine identity into the content that I produce and I promise to be proud of it.
Yes, this may seem out of nowhere as I’ve been active on social media, but it’s been something I’ve been struggling to understand for a while. This isn’t the first project I’ve left in the dust to perish away and lose momentum. I’ve done it before and every day that I delay and don’t produce something, I’ve punished myself for it. I need to stop that. Again, it’s just not healthy.
Thank you for reading, your attention is greatly appreciated, you amazing person.